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:iconailetashyne1467:
For augustmarrie: You built off of JakesException beautifully. Though your writing styles differ slightly, you managed to combine yours with his flawlessly, with a great flow that made it hard to know where both of your parts ended/met. "thrumming" was a great onomatopoeia - that is still a funny word, but moving on - and made it easy to "hear" the poem coming forth to I, one of the readers. I also think that the "It's soothing to the soul" section gave off a bit of irony to myself personally, probably because of how you'd expect, based on JakesException's first portion, your part to start of somewhat depressed and it ended up being a sort of... how to put it... relaxing tone? Yes, that's it. In fact, all of your contributions to this collaboration seem to heavily contrast JakesException's parts. Was that intentional? Hmm, whether it was or not, it's interesting. Great job.

For JakesException: I feel a bit pester-ish critiquing another one of your works. But I love doing it, so I will continue. It's hard to decipher this one, and I'm probably way off the mark on my interpretation. How I see it, the rain sort of signals some sort of pain, as it's symbolistic (I know it's not a real word, but it works for the situation) value is usually of negative emotion: pain, sadness, anger, frustration, etc. "Pneumatic hammering": either a literal hammer coming down on someone or a pounding because of distracting rain? Or even a self-inflicted emotional pain from causing another to feel the same amount of pain, but physically? Based on the "now the podium is red" statement, someone was injured critically, though death is unknown. I've read it at least 15 times already, but it's hard to really understand your second part. Can I suppose that you're talking about how the world is bored of hearing the same "sob stories" over and over again, the same political talk, the same bogus/dramatic religious stories? "the foam will rise, grey tides drowning, us all instead".... Hrmm. The foam is the pain of yesterday, the grey tides are what's building up in the present, and the drowning is what will happen if we continue down the current path? I'm still contemplating your work. And it's a good thing.

Beautiful job, to the both of you. This is just a 14 year-old's opinion, but I think you should collab more often. This turned out just... perfect.
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Comments


:iconjakesexception:
JakesException Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
I feel I should reply to parts of this:

"You built off of JakesException beautifully."
She actually sent her bits in first. I work around them. That's how I usually do my collabs. It's just nicer to give the other person more freedom.

"In fact, all of your contributions to this collaboration seem to heavily contrast JakesException's parts. Was that intentional?"
Again, technically it's the other way around - but you are correct. I was given something nice and sweet; I wanted to make it quite dark and violent. Combining the two made a good balance for the reader to distinguish, I feel.

"I feel a bit pester-ish critiquing another one of your works. But I love doing it, so I will continue."
Don't stop. I love 'em!

"Can I suppose that you're talking about how the world is bored of hearing the same "sob stories" over and over again, the same political talk, the same bogus/dramatic religious stories?"
Superb. You've got it. As for the first thought about somebody dying - no, it's more about sexual / domestic violence in my eyes; but feel free to view it as something different!

"the grey tides are what's building up in the present, and the drowning is what will happen if we continue down the current path?"
Sort of. I doubt anybody will get the "grey tides" analogy.
There was actually a SECOND stanza I wrote, but I cut it and replaced it with a THIRD in order to make the poem more smooth. The SECOND stanza explained the "grey tides" idea as a blend between "white lines in a black sea"... But again, I doubt anyone will understand that.

Thanks for the critique!
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:iconailetashyne1467:
AiletaShyne1467 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Once again, no problem! At least I got something straight on this time around. Maybe by reading your poetry more, it'll be able to decipher more of your work and possibly other complicated pieces.

Keep it up!
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:iconjakesexception:
JakesException Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012
I think one person as actually taken up the challenge of reading all 30+ of my poems and trying to decipher them to try and paint a picture of me. I wonder how well she is getting on...~
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:iconailetashyne1467:
AiletaShyne1467 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh wow. I wish her luck! I just love this poetry, to be honest. It's stunningly beautiful, though that's an understatement.
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:iconjakesexception:
JakesException Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
Aww... You~...
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:iconailetashyne1467:
AiletaShyne1467 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Whaaat. So confused. Thought I was stating an obvious fact.
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:iconjakesexception:
JakesException Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
Pfft no.
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:iconailetashyne1467:
AiletaShyne1467 Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I strongly disagree, sir.
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